Between auto-correct, sending messages to your mom and dad that were meant for your lover, and the inept nature of a generation of adults with low social skills, there is no shortage of texting blunders that will make your crippling loneliness seem not so bad in comparison.
I don’t claim to be some cool handed wordsmith that drops panties with my Shakespearean linguistics. I can’t go long enough without saying a dick joke for that to happen. But by comparison to the cringe-worthy texts sent by these Romeos and Juliettes, I’m confident true love will eventually find me…once I move out of my mom’s basement and sell my collection of poisonous snakes.
Here’s a tip for all you about to embark on a first date, or those who are trying to keep the flame of a new love alive: spellcheck, don’t eat before you go on a date just so you can save money, and avoid spandex.
1. “When you smile, you get the cutest nipples on your cheeks.”
2. I often do this on the first date. It weeds out the candidates who can and cannot handle the weird.
3. Find her most unique physical quality (i.e. red hair), stare her straight in the eyes and say…
“I’m not into the ‘trade’ anymore, but redheads usually have a high bidding price on the open market.”
4. Delete your hard drive. Delete your F****** HARD DRIVE NOW!
5. “Hello, hospital? This is an overly concerned first date looking for the whereabouts of a female I one day hope to wed.”
6. Promptly send selfie of entire store and all staff and customers blowing him kisses.
7. I’ve been arrested for less.
8. “Why did we meet at Olive Garden if you already ate?”
“…because everyone knows where Olive Garden is. Obviously.”
9. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.
10. Her or the dog?
11. Points for brutal honesty.
12. Barf bag flowers, eh? Duly noted.
13. Yeah…I’m gonna need that coffee money back.
14. This would never ever get tiring.
15. Walked right into that terrible joke.
16. Getting blackout drunk IS a thing! Now you know better.
And of course, that first date text to your friend…