16 First Date Texts That Won’t Lead To A Second

16 First Date Texts That Won't Lead To A Second

Between auto-correct, sending messages to your mom and dad that were meant for your lover, and the inept nature of a generation of adults with low social skills, there is no shortage of texting blunders that will make your crippling loneliness seem not so bad in comparison.

I don’t claim to be some cool handed wordsmith that drops panties with my Shakespearean linguistics. I can’t go long enough without saying a dick joke for that to happen. But by comparison to the cringe-worthy texts sent by these Romeos and Juliettes, I’m confident true love will eventually find me…once I move out of my mom’s basement and sell my collection of poisonous snakes.

Here’s a tip for all you about to embark on a first date, or those who are trying to keep the flame of a new love alive: spellcheck, don’t eat before you go on a date just so you can save money, and avoid spandex.

You’re welcome.

1. “When you smile, you get the cutest nipples on your cheeks.”

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2. I often do this on the first date. It weeds out the candidates who can and cannot handle the weird.

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3. Find her most unique physical quality (i.e. red hair), stare her straight in the eyes and say…

“I’m not into the ‘trade’ anymore, but redheads usually have a high bidding price on the open market.”

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4. Delete your hard drive. Delete your F****** HARD DRIVE NOW!

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5. “Hello, hospital? This is an overly concerned first date looking for the whereabouts of a female I one day hope to wed.”

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6. Promptly send selfie of entire store and all staff and customers blowing him kisses.

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7. I’ve been arrested for less.

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8. “Why did we meet at Olive Garden if you already ate?”

“…because everyone knows where Olive Garden is. Obviously.”

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9. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.

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10. Her or the dog?

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11. Points for brutal honesty.

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12. Barf bag flowers, eh? Duly noted.

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13. Yeah…I’m gonna need that coffee money back.

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14. This would never ever get tiring.

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15. Walked right into that terrible joke.

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16. Getting blackout drunk IS a thing! Now you know better.

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And of course, that first date text to your friend…

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